We bought our home towards the end of summer last year. Although the autumn colors were beautiful at that time, I never had a chance to see what the backyard looked like in full bloom of spring. I'm so grateful that the previous owners put so much time and effort into the landscaping of our backyard, because it really is so beautiful! Everything is so fresh and green, and even a little garden that's starting to sprout strange plants. There was this one tree right in the middle of our backyard that I thought was 100% dead because it didn't do much last year, and looked... well, dead. Turns out it has resurrected into an apple blossom tree, because the flowers bloomed last week! Unfortunately I was not able to witness this miraculous event as I was out of town that whole week. blast!
~Today's Blog everyday in May Challenge is Letting Go.~
This wasn't hard to think of, because I only have one thing that I haven't been able let go of over the years. In general, I'm a pretty laid back person. I don't have much hanging over my head. Even Grace's health has been something I've slowly been able to let go of and come to acceptance with. I've handled challenges pretty well and rarely hold grudges. Forgive and forget, right? But I haven't been able to forgive myself with this one.
I consider all of you my friends, as you have all been such a support, so we'll be getting a little personal here.
Grace is not our first child. She's actually our third. We unfortunately went through two losses before her, the first about 8 months after Aaron and I were married. I was pretty far along- around 21 weeks (5 months) when we found out he had passed in utero, and I did have to deliver him. I met him face to face as I held his lifeless body in my arms that sorrowful day. The first thing I said to him was, "I'm so sorry, I am so so sorry" He never had a chance at life because he died inside of me. Although I KNOW it's not my fault, to this day I have continued to blame myself because I feel like I had failed him as a mother. Just as things settled down about a year later, I discovered that I was pregnant again. Our joys were again crushed when at our 12 week ultrasound appointment we were told that there was no heartbeat. I think my heart turned to stone that day. I couldn't understand what I was doing wrong, and why our children kept dying. Again, even though I knew most miscarriages are due to chromosomal abnormalities, there's a horrendous emotion/feeling that I think every woman experiences when your baby's life is involved. It is innate. It's human. I often pray to God that He is taking good care of them up in heaven, and that someday I'll be able to see them again. I don't know if I'll ever be able to let this go, but part of me is okay with it, because it's how I remember them by. Everything happens for a reason, and I realize that if we had the first two, maybe Grace would never have come along- and she has been such an incredible blessing in so many ways.
We didn't have names picked out for our little boy. We always joked that we could name him something funny like Jean Claude Van Chan, but we weren't serious about it. To this day we still call him Jean Claude :) We weren't told the gender of the second, but we assumed it was a girl and named her Chloe.
I know that in general, it is advised to let go of things that weigh on your heart. It's better for your mental health I suppose, but sometimes I think it's okay to hold on. Especially if it's dear to you and helps you remember. There was a winter in our hearts before, but with every winter comes a new beginning.