Thursday, May 30, 2013

Spring smiles and Letting Go


We bought our home towards the end of summer last year. Although the autumn colors were beautiful at that time, I never had a chance to see what the backyard looked like in full bloom of spring. I'm so grateful that the previous owners put so much time and effort into the landscaping of our backyard, because it really is so beautiful! Everything is so fresh and green, and even a little garden that's starting to sprout strange plants. There was this one tree right in the middle of our backyard that I thought was 100% dead because it didn't do much last year, and looked... well, dead. Turns out it has resurrected into an apple blossom tree, because the flowers bloomed last week! Unfortunately I was not able to witness this miraculous event as I was out of town that whole week. blast!




~Today's Blog everyday in May Challenge is Letting Go.~

This wasn't hard to think of, because I only have one thing that I haven't been able let go of over the years. In general, I'm a pretty laid back person. I don't have much hanging over my head. Even Grace's health has been something I've slowly been able to let go of and come to acceptance with. I've handled challenges pretty well and rarely hold grudges. Forgive and forget, right? But I haven't been able to forgive myself with this one.

I consider all of you my friends, as you have all been such a support, so we'll be getting a little personal here. 

Grace is not our first child. She's actually our third. We unfortunately went through two losses before her, the first about 8 months after Aaron and I were married. I was pretty far along- around 21 weeks (5 months) when we found out he had passed in utero, and I did have to deliver him. I met him face to face as I held his lifeless body in my arms that sorrowful day. The first thing I said to him was, "I'm so sorry, I am so so sorry" He never had a chance at life because he died inside of me. Although I KNOW it's not my fault, to this day I have continued to blame myself because I feel like I had failed him as a mother. Just as things settled down about a year later, I discovered that I was pregnant again. Our joys were again crushed when at our 12 week ultrasound appointment we were told that there was no heartbeat. I think my heart turned to stone that day. I couldn't understand what I was doing wrong, and why our children kept dying. Again, even though I knew most miscarriages are due to chromosomal abnormalities, there's a horrendous emotion/feeling that I think every woman experiences when your baby's life is involved. It is innate. It's human. I often pray to God that He is taking good care of them up in heaven, and that someday I'll be able to see them again. I don't know if I'll ever be able to let this go, but part of me is okay with it, because it's how I remember them by. Everything happens for a reason, and I realize that if we had the first two, maybe Grace would never have come along- and she has been such an incredible blessing in so many ways.  

We didn't have names picked out for our little boy. We always joked that we could name him something funny like Jean Claude Van Chan, but we weren't serious about it. To this day we still call him Jean Claude :) We weren't told the gender of the second, but we assumed it was a girl and named her Chloe. 

I know that in general, it is advised to let go of things that weigh on your heart. It's better for your mental health I suppose, but sometimes I think it's okay to hold on. Especially if it's dear to you and helps you remember. There was a winter in our hearts before, but with every winter comes a new beginning.


42 comments:

  1. Oh Christy your stories are so touching and they do always have a light at the end of the tunnel. I do follow your posts because I look up to you in so many ways. I guess I'll elaborate in an email when I respond to your recent comment on a post I wrote. :) anyways, thank you for sharing this.

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  2. is that ur girl? she is so adorable....so cute...and is this ur garden?....and mind following my blog?.....
    http://webofbutterflies.blogspot.in/

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  3. We don't get to see you and Aaron as we'd like to, but I always feel in the loop with your blogs. You have a gift with words, Christy. We also lost our first child, many of those feelings you described I still remember vividly. I am happy to see Grace doing so well. I look forward to seeing/reading/hearing the many more precious moments of the Aaron & Christy Chan family.

    God bless
    - Phil

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    1. Phil I had no idea. Really sorry to hear about your loss. Its good to see that life doesnt end with unfortunate things, but makes us stronger and more appreciative of our blessings.

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  4. Ohh, your stories are really very touching, and the uplifting in the same time. You're so beautiful and strong women. Grace is totally adorable, and I'm sure that Jean Claude and Chloe are ,,in good hands" in heaven . Keep going, darling, and never give up. Sometimes it's hard but after that the good days are coming.
    I wish you all the best in life ;*

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  5. Your personal grace and positive attitude is truly inspirational Christy. I'm so sorry for your loss and heartbreak. It must have been incredibly stressful all the while carrying Grace after such traumatic losses, but looking at that smile on her beautiful face shows how much she is loved and everything you have ever needed. Big hugs friend xx

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  6. Beautiful words and lovely pics!!!!! Cute baby girl!!!
    Would you like to follow each other?

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  7. You are so pretty! Beautiful pictures!

    Happy friday!
    xx Oksana
    www.makeupbyoksana.blogspot.com [new makeup look for summer]

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  8. Great pictures! Loving your blog :)

    http://strawberryleopard.blogspot.pt/

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  9. Thank you for sharing. I look forward to reading your blog, and you always have a way with words. You and Grace look so peaceful.

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  10. Thank you for allowing us such a private glimpse into your life- I am so sorry for your losses, but you are right that they were in no way your fault- and you're baby girl is so beautiful and such a gift! Your strength is amazing to me. Thank you for your sweet and kind words on my blog :) I am really glad that I found yours too- you are such a beautiful person. Enjoy your weekend :)

    ~Alyssa
    www.butterfliesonmars.blogspot.com

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  11. Hi darling! I'm following you now on Bloglovin and I liked you FB page!!!!
    I hope you will do the same!!!
    Kisses

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  12. Oh my goodness, you are so strong for letting this out for us to read about it. You've been through a lot, but I cannot not tell you that you are so strong for continuing on with your life and just loving Grace and your family with all of your heart and soul. You are a beautiful person and with that, I know you'll live a happy life.

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  14. ^^ too many misspelled words, oops! Hehe~

    But what I was trying to say was...these pictures captured are so full of such lightness, beauty, and GRACE--your blessing blessing and the meaning of the word.

    Hugs and hugs!!

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  15. Christy, I read this last night and cried. I came back this morning and cried again. I just couldn't write anything. My grandmother, experienced the same thing before my mom was born. She told me her story and anguish. So immediately hearing your story brought back so many memories for me. It is important to let go of things. It just festers and doesn't help you. Thank you for sharing your story, it's helped me a lot. Your backyard is so beautiful. You captured it so well. The previous owners did a great job with the upkeep. I had a small tree that looked dead too and it comes to life every year. You look beautiful and so does your daughter. God Bless You! ((hug))
    http://www.averysweetblog.com/

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  16. I'll admit I totally teared up while reading this. People who have never had miscarriages just don't understand the pain and guilt that goes along with them, because they think that "but it was only a fetus! not even a real baby yet!"

    I can't even imagine what it would be like to miscarry at 5 months. I only had one miscarriage, and it was really early on, but it was still devastating.

    And is that your back yard? because I am so jealous! it's beautiful. But then again... no, I don't think I'd want to have to take care of that yard. Just thinking about all the weeding and the grass-mowing... no thanks :)

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  17. This is so hard to read and it must have been harder to write - thank you for sharing your story. Your little girl is so so beautiful and I'm sure she'll bring enough joy into your life to make up for those painful losses. You both look gorgeous! =)
    Thank you for your kind comments too, I love your blog, I'm following you too =)

    TIGERHEART

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  18. Christine, you brought tears to my eyes. I unfortunately experienced the same thing you have. Even though mine was only 6 weeks old, I still devastated with the loss of my unborn child. Just like you, I blamed myself for a very long time. Though I am a true believer that everything does happen for a reason. I think letting things go is the right thing to do. Sometimes, I wish my baby to stay a baby forever but that's not realistic =) Enjoy your precious Grace. They grow up so fast.

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  19. lovely bog <3
    Lets follow each other in Bloglovin and GFC and FB :)
    Kindly let me know where all you are following and I will return the favor.
    My blog - Giveaway dose

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  20. This post made me well up a little.. Not really sure what to say other than stay strong. You have a beautiful home and a gorgeous daughter. cherish these moments with her, I'm sure it will make up for all the pain you have suffered.

    Love,
    Halima

    xx

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  21. you and your baby look so cute! I'm so sorry you lost your other children. I can't imagine how hard it must have been delivering your dead baby. I don't think moving on is the same thing as forgetting and I hope you can find joy and acceptance. Grace looks like a wonderful little girl :)

    xx

    liquoriceandpumps.blogspot.com

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  22. Thanks for sharing this, Christy <3 I can't imagine the pain you and Aaron have gone through, but I'm thankful that God has blessed you with a beautiful and precious daughter in Grace :) I love seeing her pictures and her smiles because it reminds me so much of God's overwhelming love for us, His healing hand and His constant presence in our lives even in the hardest moments.

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  23. I'm so sorry that you had to experience all this! I hope what I'm saying doesn't come off the wrong way, but I was awwing all over Grace's first two pictures, so I'm glad that at least you have a beautiful child to enjoy, in spite of all the sadness that came before.

    Brittney

    anotherbeautifulthing.blogspot.com

    And Jean Claude would have been the greatest name!

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  24. Our dear Christy, I admire your strength so much. I can't even begin to imagine the pain you and Aaron have gone through, but am glad to know that you have come to terms with letting go.

    In lighter thoughts, is that your actual backyard??? We rarely see things like that in Southern California, unless it's a botanical garden!

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  25. My daughter's name is Chloe, and she wasn't our first child either. I experienced the same loss and it was so painful and took me what seemed like an eternity to not just get over, but swallow. I relate with you, and share your pain. Even with this fact, i won't understand YOUR pain because every woman has a different experience- i can only feel it because i remember that raw feeling. You're so strong to share something like this so personal on your blog, what an inspiration you are. much love!

    xO!
    www.thehautecookie.com

    -Facebook-
    www.facebook.com/TheHauteCookie
    -Twitter-
    www.twitter.com/thehautecookie
    -Instagram-
    www.statigr.am/thehautecookie

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  26. Thank you for sharing your story and your losses. I hope it brings courage and strength to other women who have endured such loss as well.

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  27. You have such an incredible backyard! You are so beautiful and I'm so sorry for all of your heartbreak, I know it must have been so hard but thank you for showing that things get better

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  28. Oh Christy, what a beautiful post :) You are so brave, and I thank you for sharing this with all of us :)

    Veloria in velvet
    www.veloriainvelvet.wordpress.com

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  29. Wow that's an incredible story and I can't imagine the journey you've gone through. All I can say that you should definitely not feel so bad about your previous miscarriages just embrace the life and joy you've brought to this world.

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  30. I am so sorry for your losses! It takes such a courageous soul to share this with the world and although I haven't experienced this myself, I had to witness my sister go through it. God's looking out for them! Thank you for sharing!

    Xoxo
    Www.letterstomaria.blogspot.com

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  31. Hi Christy. Before I had my first oldest son Rujim, I had two miscarriages. I totally get you.. hugs.. keep on celebrating life!

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  32. I'm so sorry to hear of your losses. But you're right, without having gone through that you might not have ever met Grace and she sure is a special little girl. Sending you a hug for sharing something so personal and close to your heart! :)

    xo, Yi-chia
    Always Maylee

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  33. I"m so sorry to hear of your losses. I myself had a miscarriage so I know how you feel. Each child will hold a special place in your heart. There's is nothing wrong with holding on to that as long as you continue on and live life fully. And never forgetting how God has blessed you with a beautiful daughter, Grace. Enjoy each moment with her because they grow up so fast! Hugs, Eva

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  34. This was such a beautiful post. Thank you so much for sharing your heart with us and being true to yourself. I admire your strength and beauty for going through all that and then being able to share something so intimate and personal on the web. God only knows why things like this happen, and I love that you are able to put your trust and faith in Him. He is always here for us no matter what, which is so comforting to be able to have that faith! Much love to you my dear, and your family! I am so glad that out of it all you did get your beautiful Grace! I love her name by the way! :) Blessings to you and your family!

    xo,
    Shio

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  35. Just read your guest post on Sandy's blog and I'm so glad that she introduced us to you. Thank you for sharing your story. I can't wait to read more stories from you.

    www.definingtabitha.com

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  37. Christy, since we just officially met, I feel I can finally say something to you: I am really sorry that you and your family have to go through so much hard things, but with such beautiful,loving and brave hearts that you and your family have, you will eventually overcome all the difficulties in life. Look at how beautiful and lovely Grace is! I am happy to see her doing great.--Zhuo

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  38. I suffered one loss after my first two. It was devastating and I wasn't even trying to get pregnant then.

    I love that you call him Jean Claude. Too funny!

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  39. I know I've never met you, but you amaze me. It takes a very strong and faithful woman to endure all that you have. I know that you will definitely have the chance to be with your little ones again. I hope you can find some bit of comfort in that.
    xoAmy
    www.dreamingincashmere.com

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